As part of our 7th wedding anniversary, and in a way, this blog’s 7th anniversary as well, I’ve invited some of my friends to write about their own wifely steps. This is the second in a series of guest posts. Let’s check out Ibyang’s wifely steps.
With all the cheesy stories I sometimes share in my blog, a few times readers have asked me if my Husband and I fight. And answer to that is a big “yes”.
As much as there are many things we agree on, there are also instances when we have different opinions and perspectives.
A marriage is a very dynamic relationship. So dynamic that there are so many facets and issues a couple share together. So dynamic that it is impossible for a couple not to get into a fight or get pissed off with each other once in a while. Imagine two people from different backgrounds and concrete opinions on things. Somewhere along the way, there will be disagreements and that is perfectly normal.
After three years of being married, My Husband and I are no “perfect fighters” but we have a couple of lessons learned when it comes managing marital fights. Here are some of them:
Any change can cause an argument. Whether it is something big or small, a new car or a new TV, as long as there is change somewhere in the home and in the dynamic of your relationship, it is normal for disagreements to ensue. Why? Because when a certain change happens in a relationship and in the home, each of you has different ways of dealing with it.
The “don’t go to bed angry” rule does not apply to us all the time. For us, as long as our emotions are stable and we are civil enough to say “good night” to each other, that’s fine. Some arguments need to thaw overnight and we never believe that we have to be all lovey-dovey just because it’s time for bed. Remember, we are humans and not robots—we don’t have an on/off switch for fighting and making up. Also, every individual have different time frames on when they get over things. So my Husband and I give each other some space and time to think things over and for our temper to cool down.
However, that being said, we also do not let a fight consume us for a long time. We are both peace-loving individuals, we don’t really like fighting at all. We are truly grateful that we cannot stand being angry at each other for a long time. The truth is, we cannot NOT talk to each other for a long while—we just can’t. So even if an issue hasn’t been resolved, we still talk and try to be nice to each other.
Never say anything too negative to each other that a simple “sorry” cannot heal. Words can hurt; it’s like knives that can slash straight into one’s heart and esteem. When something is said, it’s so hard to take it back. In times of heated arguments, we try our best to avoid name-calling and say bad words.
Take a moment and breathe. And when arguments are getting a little too intense, we usually have a quiet moment to ourselves instead of continue talking to avoid being carried away and say things we don’t really mean. It gives us time to calm down and clear our minds and yes, kinder words to say to each other.
Just focus on the issue at hand. Sometimes a small argument results to a big fight all because one started to rattle off with issues not related to the present issue. I can be pretty guilty of this sometimes but these days I just keep my eyes on the ball, figuratively speaking. Nowadays, I collect all my thoughts before I talk to my partner so I can still “edit” it before blurting everything out. Sometimes I even write down an outline of what I will say—I know I’m such a geek. But I will do anything save myself from saying inappropriate things to my Husband.
Forget our pride and just say “sorry”. We believe that fights are there in order for us to learn and not to prove which one of us are right or wrong. Other than being husband and wife, we regard each other as best friends. And when you are friends with your partner, the love and respect you have for one another is more important than winning the fight.
We are only three years married. I know we have a long way to go, lots more adjustments to go thru and probably a few arguments along the way. But instead of keeping score of who’s winning or not, we keep track of the lessons we learn from each fight and use those lessons in order to becoming a better couple.
What about you? What are some invaluable lessons you learned from managing fights with your partner?
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Ibyang Sanchez is a Trainer and HR Practitioner by profession who shares her wifely adventures via “A Wife’s Charmed Life”. She balances her time managing a home and career, doing photography and cooking/baking gigs and hanging out with loved ones. She gets her act together by taking care of herself and having regular “Me” times. Other than her blog, she shares her random spur-of-the-moment thoughts via twitter.
Hi! I'm Toni Tiu,
and I've been blogging at
at Wifely Steps since 2003. This started as a blog to help newly weds adjust to married life. It has evolved into a home and parenting blog. I write about things close to my heart -- good eats, good reads, family, marriage, and the little things that make everyday happy.
Nica M.
May 26, 2010 at 6:20 am (14 years ago)The best lesson for me is forget your pride and just say sorry. This applies not only to marital relationships but in any relationship as well. I have lost contact with friends because I let my anger consume me for a long time and I was too proud to say sorry.
.-= Nica M.´s last blog ..Great Hair Sets the Mood for Work =-.
Edong
May 26, 2010 at 6:53 am (14 years ago)it’s the calm after the storm, I’m always looking forward to… great feeling!!!
anj
May 26, 2010 at 9:08 am (14 years ago)the hubby and i are still learning the ropes when it comes to dealing with fights. but glad to say that i (because he never really starts one. :P) have become less temperamental and more understanding of his quirks.
puwede ka na magdiscovery weekend facilitator.
.-= anj´s last blog ..tsk, tsk, tsk =-.
Leah
May 26, 2010 at 11:26 am (14 years ago)Love this post… so true.
Precious
May 26, 2010 at 1:36 pm (14 years ago)when i know that something i will say will become a fight later, I start by saying, “Sweetie, I love you. I really do.. but..” so as to make him understand that I’m not attacking him or our relationship. It’s just that we don’t agree on everything all the time. And when we all is said and done (and one actually says I’m sorry), we remind each other “Love me even when you hate me…” 😀
Kay
May 26, 2010 at 2:47 pm (14 years ago)I name call and do not stay on the issue … however I do not have pride and cannot stay mad at the one I love for long … but as with recent events … I do have a limit and when I reach it … its hard to get me back. No one has been able to. =(
.-= Kay´s last blog ..domestication 101 =-.
odette
May 26, 2010 at 10:39 pm (14 years ago)there’s something i love about having a fight with the husband…the make-up cuddles and kisses! ^-^
that said, we almost never fight. well he never picks a fight, and i still get lots of cuddles. ^-^
.-= odette´s last blog ..Trade Secrets =-.
Rach (Heart of Rachel)
May 27, 2010 at 12:59 am (14 years ago)I also try my best to follow the “don’t go to bed angry” rule. There was a time my husband and I had a petty argument. I went to bed angry and didn’t talk to him. When I woke up, I felt drained and there was a heavy weight in my chest. When we made our peace, my husband told me that he felt exactly the same. Since then, we always try to resolve misunderstandings before sleeping.
.-= Rach (Heart of Rachel)´s last blog ..Our Lady of Peace and Good Voyage in Antipolo =-.
Robert
May 27, 2010 at 10:30 am (14 years ago)i agree, argument is inevitable.
ingrid
May 28, 2010 at 9:38 am (14 years ago)sometimes i smile to myself when someone gives advice to newly wedded couple ‘don’t go to bed angry’ there are arguments that can’t be solved right away but you are too tired to do an all-nighter. when my hubby and i get into an argument and go to bed not reconciling i purposefully don’t let any part of my body to touch his. it signals him that i’m not okay yet. but when he tries to talk to me and i just answer a simple yes or no he knows i’m still angry. when i make kwento na, he knows we’re okay. we don’t say sorry, we express with hugs and kisses.
yamie
May 28, 2010 at 3:59 pm (14 years ago)i really love your article. as for me, ive been married for 7 years now and we’ve been through a lot. give and take is jus one of the most “common” lessons i’ve learned in marital fights – yet still works for me. commitment also plays an important part in reconcilliaton-whatever kind of fight that maybe. commitment comes with acceptance – dealing with each other flaws rather than being the ‘subject’ of the fight. however, your husband should also understand the process of you growing together. coz if the effort only comes from one person, it will not suceed. emotional bank account is also necessary. what you invest is what you will gain. resolving conflicts one at a time may also be of big help