It’s almost 2 am. I’ve got a bunch of articles to finish up and a couple of projects to edit, but here I am staring at the computer screen, fingers flying as I half-struggle with the fact that I’ll be turning 34 in a few days.
3.4.
It’s not that bad an age. It sounds so… grown-up.
3.4.
That used to be my class number in gradeschool. My family name started with “P” and my class number never went earlier or later than the 30s. 34 was an almost constant number. Teachers would ask us to write our class numbers on cardboard cut-outs, wrap it in plastic cover and pin them to our shirts. Branded by numbers. The easier for them to organize a bunch of kids I guess.
3.4.
This late-night thinking is brought to you by a cup of coffee and a fear of what-the-hell-is-going-to-happen-next. Here’s the thing. It’s not the number that’s terrifying me. It’s the another-year-has-passed-and-have-I-done-anything-better-this-year-than-last-year that does. Plus the I’m-clueless-about-what-comes-next-even-if-I’ve-got-plans fear.
I’m a strong believer that you can’t really plan life, but hey, having some idea where you’re headed and more importantly, how you’re getting there provides comfort and stability like no other.
3.4.
I cried in the shower once. (Okay, maybe a few several times.) It was an overwhelming day. Budgets were tight, baby was extra energetic, husband was sick, my energy was waning, and I ran out of shampoo. Tipping point. After crying my weariness away, I stepped out of the shower. Then I opened the bathroom cabinet and saw an extra bottle of shampoo.
I knew things would get better.
When you’ve got hope, you’ll never be running on empty.
3.4.
If I ask you, “Are you where you planned to be?” What would you answer? I ask myself that now and I quickly answer, “No.”
Then I also answer, “But this is where I’m supposed to be.”
There’s a quote from Carl Sandburg, an American poet, that comes to mind. “I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.”
I think that’s what 34 for me will be all about. Heading in the direction that my gut is telling me to go for, while making well enough decisions to keep my mind sane.
3.4.
Yes, this is where I’m supposed to be. Age is just a number. Turning a year older is just another way of life saying “Congratulations! You win another year — go make the most of it!”
I should write down “34” on a piece of cardboard, wrap it in plastic cover and stick it on my computer screen. It’d be my ra-ra sign, silently cheering me on — “Keep going!” “Stay strong!” “There’s shampoo in the bathroom cabinet!”
Numbers on cardboard cutouts. Aha. I knew my gradeschool teachers were on to something.
3.4.
I may not know where I’m headed but I know I’m on my way. I AM where I am supposed to be. I’m also supposed to be finishing up articles and editing projects. So thank you Universe for these blessings. Thank you Lord for another year to keep the course. I’ve got a LOT to do on this 34th year of mine. I might as well get started. 
Hi! I'm Toni Tiu,
and I've been blogging at
at Wifely Steps since 2003. This started as a blog to help newly weds adjust to married life. It has evolved into a home and parenting blog. I write about things close to my heart -- good eats, good reads, family, marriage, and the little things that make everyday happy.
sheng
July 24, 2011 at 5:51 am (13 years ago)Happier birthday, and hey, there’s gonna be more bottles of shampoo for you. We all get to experience the same trials, and times are tough once in a while, but remember, He never leaves us nor forsakes us. And when I feel like my energy is waning and I have nothing in my pocket, I trust in HIS word, He never fails. Stay strong! I will be waiting for you in line, with a sign too, saying “Ra-ra, keep the fight on your favor!”
Cel
July 24, 2011 at 8:59 am (13 years ago)You’ve come a long way for 33 years..it would keep you more strong facing your 34th! Have faith..:)
Kay
July 24, 2011 at 10:08 am (13 years ago)Don’t worry. We all have those moments.
It will get better … and you will have them again and you will overcome them again. One thing I gathered from years of reading your blog is that you are a STRONG woman.
Gracey
July 24, 2011 at 5:43 pm (13 years ago)I love this post, Toni. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this and you write it so well. I would hug your words if I could. I’ll send you a virtual hug instead. *HUG*
I hope your 34th year will be a fabulous one! Advance happy birthday! xoxo
Daphne
July 24, 2011 at 8:18 pm (13 years ago)Very well written post Toni! I’ve never made plans for my life either but so far I’m content with how my life has turned out. 😀
Turn your 3-4 to 4-3 and that’s what my oficial age will be this year but thankfully I can get away by not looking my age nor acting my age for that matter hehehe
Here’s to more unplanned years of extra shampoo bottles for you, Toni. Enjoy your 34th year =)
Toni
July 24, 2011 at 9:04 pm (13 years ago)sheng: Thank you for the greeting and the assurance on more shampoo bottles a.k.a. hope. Hahaha! Yes, I turn to HIM for anything and HE gives me strength. Thank you for reminding me to keep the faith!
Cel: FAITH is the ra-ra word. Yes. Thank you!
Kay: You are an inspiration. Thank you for those kind and encouraging words!
Gracey: Thank you. Virtual hugs right back at you! Let’s stick together shall we?
Daphne: Thank you D! I will enjoy this year, plans or no plans. <3
aloi (guiltlessreading)
July 25, 2011 at 1:23 am (13 years ago)goodness. don’t stay up til 2 and you won’t get the heebie-jeebies that badly!
as for the extra bottle of shampoo hidden away, i love how life surprises you just when you need it most.
don’t overthink it, toni. and don’t overplan. you need to have some leeway, so that life can spring even better things on you. don’t worry, it’ll happen as it should 
Toni
July 25, 2011 at 1:26 am (13 years ago)aloi: Hahaha! Maybe an early bedtime will lessen stress! That’s very likely. I didn’t think about it that way. Thanks for the kind words. Yeah, I worry too much. And I do tend to overthink.
manilamommy
July 25, 2011 at 12:37 pm (13 years ago)Hi Toni! Una sa lahat (((BIG HUGS FROM ME AND DW))) I’m with you 100 percent. Everyday I ask myself if I am where I am supposed to be but just like you I keep moving along. I take things as they come and I am surprised how resilient (and stubborn) I can be. As long as we don’t lose ourselves in our journey I think we’ll turn out alright 😉 Advanced happy birthday!!
Amee
July 25, 2011 at 9:58 pm (13 years ago)Hi Toni.
The past few weeks I’ve been trying to remember what age I was (33? 34?). Lol. I talked to my friend about this and she said she stopped counting at 30.
I guess for me I’d always be 27 in my mind because it seemed like the second phase of my life’s adventure started then.
Hope you had a good birthday. And I’m sure there’ll be great things in store.
Faye
July 27, 2011 at 8:30 pm (13 years ago)Hey Toni!
Catching up on some reading here and just came across this post. I can totally relate with you. I also ask myself that same question constantly and I’d usually end up scared. But I look at my bundle(s) of joy and yes, like you I’d realize that where I am now…is really where I’m supposed to be. I guess that question is sort of a check & balance and it helps us realize where true happiness lies. I wish you the happiest birthday you’ve ever had! Keep inspiring mommies like me. I always love reading your posts because they’re always so cheerful and so positive! :))
Toni
July 28, 2011 at 9:45 am (13 years ago)manilamommy:
BIG HUGS BACK!!! Thank you for understanding. Just knowing that others know what I talk about is a big relief and a big source of comfort. Yes, your’e right. Gotta stay true to ourselves in the journey. Thanks for the reminder. And the birthday greeting.
Amee
Thank you! My birthday’s this Saturday pa.
Faye:
You’re right it IS a check and balance. We all need that moment to stop and restore, stop and reflect. I guess it happens close to birthdays. Well in my case it did. Haha. Thank you for the kind words. You don’t know how much they motivate me to keep writing. <3 Thank you for the support.