I’m used to people asking me if I have kids yet, considering I’ve been married for more than four years. The type of questions range from the well-phrased to outright crude, from genuine concern to plain old nosiness. I don’t really mind being asked what my family plans are, but I do mind being pestered about it with a gazillion questions and unsolicited advice.
“But why don’t you have kids yet?”
“Do you use protection?”
“Are you even trying?”
“I have some tips for you…” —> insert whatevuh sexual position here.
“Trust me, it’s so much fun to have kids…”
“What are you waiting for?”
“There’s never the right time! It just happens!”
“Do you know when you ovulate?”
“Does one of you have a problem? Has he had a sperm count? Have you gone for a fertility check-up?”
“But you’ve been married so long! Why no kids yet?”
It has been tough. All the questions put so much pressure on me. I felt like there was something wrong with me, with H, with my marriage. It was only recently that we learned not to let these questions upset us. While H and I do have plans to start a family, we’re not ready for that big step yet. I believe we will be very soon, though. I just wish other people would stop rushing us. I’m a bit glad I didn’t have a kid the past years. I would not want to have had a child just to put the questioning pressure to rest.
Here’s a good article from The Nest called Babies: Why the Rush?. Those in bold are quotes from the article. The thoughts that follow each item are my own. Here are the wrong reasons for getting pregnant:
“Wrong Reason 1: You Need Something New to Obsess Over.”
True. I thought I wanted a kid right after our wedding — it is the next phase after all, right? Wrong. I was glad that we threw ourselves into hobbies and activities that continued to build ourselves as individuals and as partners.
“Wrong Reason 2: You’re Freaked Out About Fertility.”
My body has been very kind to me. For all the times that I thought something was wrong, it would somehow assure me that I was fine. The thought of being infertile when I am ready has crossed my mind. It scares me a bit but I’m not letting that negative thought drag me down. I am listening to my body and we both aren’t ready just yet.
“Wrong Reason 3: Everyone Is Having Them.”
Ah, the baby boom. I am at the age when my friends are either getting pregnant, just gave birth or are already raising a brood. Peer pressure is on a different level altogether at this age. It’s easy to get sucked into the “I want one just like them!” rage. While I am very happy for my friends, I am okay being Ninang for now.
“Wrong Reason 4: You Think a Baby Is a Quick Fix.”
A quick fix to what? Babies shouldn’t be an escape! In fact, they just ground you into reality even more.
“Wrong Reason 5: There’s Pressure From Parents.”
There’s Pressure From Everyone. Period. I wish people would become more sensitive to couples who are childless. 1) They might be TTC (trying to conceive) but are having a difficult time. 2) They don’t want to have children. 3) They just aren’t ready yet.
Okay, it’s good to get this off my chest. I’ve been wanting to write about this for ages, but couldn’t quite capture what I wanted to say. The article gave my thoughts some structure. “Why don’t you have kids yet?” is one of the most insensitive questions I’ve ever encountered. If you really just have to know, maybe you can phrase it this way, “Do you have any plans of having children?” Or better yet, just don’t ask at all.
Sila: Uyyyy may anak ka na ba? (sabay hawak sa tiyan)
Me: Hindi tumataba lang. (sabay tanggal sa kamay ng tao at gusto ko sigawan ng “Don’t invade my personal space!!!” At wala naman ako masyadong puson! Itong mga mokong talaga. Gusto lang ata ako tsansingan.)
Sila: Oh nasaan na baby mo?!
Me: Nasa heaven.
Sila: *shocked silence*
Me: Ay, I meant nasa heaven pa, hindi pa pinapanganak.
– My bad! Akala nila nagmiscarriage ako. Whoops.
Sila: What are you waiting for?
Me: FOR IT TO HAPPEN!!!
Sila: Si Anna nauna pa nabuntis sa ‘yo e diba nauna ka ikasal?
Me: Oo.
Sila: So bakit wala pa?
Me: Enjoy pa kaming mag-asawa eh. (Sabay walk out)
Sila: Wala pa rin?
Me: Wala.
Sila: ‘Yaan mo na, bata pa naman kayo.
Me: Super bata pa! (Sabay flip ng hair at super smile para ipamukha ko talagang bagets pa raw ako)
Sila: So Tones kelan na? Sige na para may kalaro na baby ko.
Me: Basta, malapit na.
Sila: Ikaw kasi, pagbigyan mo naman asawa mo…
(Tawa tawa tawa tawa sabay gusto mong sapatusin yun tao. Kaibigan ko pa yan.)
Sila: You’re not getting any younger.
Me: If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.
Sila: But are you even trying?
Me: Yes.
Sila: So why isn’t anything happening?
Me: If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.
Sila: Why don’t you have kids yet?
Me: Why do you want to know?
Sila: Ang hina naman ni H.
Me: Ang sama mo.
Sila: You guys need a vacation. It must be all the stress!
Me: Yeah. (Sabay isip the stress you people give me!)
Sila: Gusto mo ba magka-baby? Baka naman ayaw niyo? Ayaw niyo ata.
Me: *irap* (If looks could kill, this person would have died. Twice.)
Sila: You’re missing half of your life.
Me: Yeah yeah, I know.
Sila: I’m telling you! It’s really fun. Napapawi pagod mo pag-uwi mo, wait, let me show you my kids’ pictures and videos… (labas siya ng cellphone)
Me: Awww how cute. (Sincere ako dito, promise.)
Sila: Now you know what you’re missing.
Me: I know, I know.
Sila:Kelan na ba ako magiging Ninong?
Me: Pagnagka-girlfriend ka na.
Sila: When are you having kids?
Me: When we’re ready.
Sila: But there’s no such thing as being ready. It just happens. I wasn’t ready when Josh came.
Me: Ok.
Sila: (Kwento na ng pregnancy history etc etc etc….)
Sila: Aren’t you getting a fertility work-up?
Me: I did but I stopped.
Sila: Why?!
Me: I got tired of all the medicine. I don’t want to keep abusing my body that way. I believe if it’ll happen, it’ll happen. Anyway my periods are regular naman.
Sila: I know this great OB, he’s like a fertility expert.
Me: I’m okay really.
Sila: No really he’s so good he’s like a miracle doctor.
Me: No really I’m fine. Thanks.
Sila: Sumayaw ka na ba sa Obando?
Sila: May kilala akong albularyo sa Batangas. Ang galing niya. Gusto mo
pumunta? Herbs ang gamit niya.
Sila: You have to have kids na. When you’re 40, 10 years old palang sila. When you’re 50, 20 palang.
Me: Hindi problema sa akin yun.
Sila: So why don’t you have kids yet? I know. You’re not happily married. Because if you’re happy, you’d have kids. Are you happy?
I know that some people are genuinely concerned, while others just like playing the “I feel superior” game because they have kids and I don’t. I don’t play that game. After all the years of questioning, I can tell who’s sincere and who’s just plain nosy.
I’ve learned that giving the reply “We’re not ready yet” just opens a can of worms. I don’t need the badgering and I’ve learned to block out all the negativity that comes my way after I say it out loud. Here’s a great quote from Sex and the City, during a scene when Charlotte was consulting with her fertility specialist/acupuncturist.
“You’re going to have to learn how to block the noise out and hear yourself.”
— Dr. Mao to Charlotte, “The Domino Effect”
Having a baby is not a game, nor is it a race. Stepping away from all the pressure has made me feel immensely lighter. I couldn’t believe I was letting all that bog me down for the past years! I feel more at peace with myself, H & I more at peace with each other. We will have our babies when we feel we are ready. For now, we enjoy the love and adventure that come our way, our family of two.
Hi! I'm Toni Tiu,
and I've been blogging at
at Wifely Steps since 2003. This started as a blog to help newly weds adjust to married life. It has evolved into a home and parenting blog. I write about things close to my heart -- good eats, good reads, family, marriage, and the little things that make everyday happy.
cookie
June 4, 2007 at 5:20 pm (17 years ago)Hi Toni..don’t lose sleep over it. Ganun talaga cultura natin. Me nga, even if I have 2 girls na, gusto ko pa din umbagin yun mga nagtatanong kung bakit wala pang lalaki na anak. Hello! What’s the difference ba if girl or boy? As in, sinasabi ko na lang na matanda na ako then I launch into a scientific explanation on the risks of late pregnancy. Imagine mo yun, I have 2 kids and I’m still pressured to have more. Ano ako anakan? Cool ka na lang. Everything comes in its in own time. Remember, good things come to those who wait. And if it doesn’t come, maybe destiny has something else planned for you. Smile, girl, maganda tayo lahat. Hehehehe….:)
Lorraine
June 4, 2007 at 5:22 pm (17 years ago)Oh, I’ve been married for only two years and have heard ALL of that countless times! Thanks, I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Toni
June 4, 2007 at 5:31 pm (17 years ago)cookie> True! I’m more at peace now. I don’t toss and turn over that anymore. I used to, really! Recently lang na I became 100% okay with my situation. Ganun nga talaga ang kultura natin. At walang katapusan talaga ang pagtatanong diba? Kapag may anak na, tatanungin kung kelan ka susundan. Tapos kung san mag-aaral. Hehehe. Neverending questions. It’s all about perspective. I’m glad I learned that, even if took me quite a number of years. I get it now. And I’m happy. *hugs*
lorraine> This is exactly why I wrote this post. Not only to express my thoughts and emotions, but to reach out to others who are possibly feeling the same way I did. I want you guys to know and feel you’re not alone. *hugs*
Robin Lim
June 4, 2007 at 5:53 pm (17 years ago)Who wants to have a little nightscreamer!!!
Seriously, all our lives we are pressured to follow some norm of conduct… for some it is family, for others it is career or something as small as the way one dresses. The question is really insensitive. It assumes we are doing something wrong. First, no one has a right to assume that what you doing is wrong. My older sister has no plans. She is very career oriented. She has a good life and marriage. Second, ask the wrong person, and it can be very cruel. I know a couple. They have tried everything, even going to a doctor to help with fertility. I hope no one asks them that question…
We have a very nosy tsimis (I hope I spelled that right) culture.
Leica
June 4, 2007 at 7:06 pm (17 years ago)I’ve been married five years, no kids yet. Hubby and I are fine with it and it irritates me when people always pester us on why we haven’t tried enough or why we are not spending a lot of money trying to conceive. My in-laws even tried to bribe us with money!
People can’t seem to understand that we are happy just as we are. Even though we are childless, it doesn’t mean that we are miserable.
And what I hate most is when people ask me “O, ilan na anak mo?” Hello, chubby lang po. And they have this pitiful sometimes superior look on their face. Haay naku, kainis talaga.
Sarcasmom
June 4, 2007 at 7:10 pm (17 years ago)Hi Toni. Michele sent me. You made your point very nicely. Unfortunately, the people who ask that kind of question probably won’t read it. Glad it made you feel better.
ibyang
June 4, 2007 at 7:46 pm (17 years ago)hi toni!
i just got married last january and i kinda feel that in the (very) near future i would be writing something about pregnancy/having babies issues…*sigh* some people don’t have the breeding (or sensitivity) to just shut up and leave you alone with whatever is happening in your married life. bakit ba akala nila na dapat pare-pareho tayong mga married people ang gagawin sa buhay? there are some couple who choose to travel than to have kids, some choose to do other things before getting pregnant. how come some people think that having kids is the only option in having a family?
eto naman ang kwento ko…
sila: o may laman na ba?
ako: nge!?! —speechless ako for a few minutes—at hindi ko mapigilan na sabihing: okay ka lang, nasa dubai kaya ang asawa ko! (as if naman pwede kong gawin mag-isa yun diba?) *sabay smile na lang ako*
o diba? lakas ng topak at ang laki ng expectations. sabay comment ng “uy, you’re not getting any younger”. o kaya pag sinabi ko nga na nasa dubai pa si husband, sasabihin naman nila “dapat pagdating nya, mag-baby na kayo” (i really hate it when i hear the word “dapat” from people you barely know). as if yun lang ang pwede naming gawin sa mundo.
my take on this: we would love to have children but in my opinion, having babies is something that we can never plan. one of the biggest realizations i had when i got married was, yes we can plan for our engagement and the wedding, we can plan the honeymoon…but having a baby? we can’t. god (or the fates) has a timeline of his (its) own. at the end of the day, i would like to think that someday, if it’s meant to be, He will just surprise us. in the meantime, we’ll enjoy our time together (even if we’re apart temporarily) and develop our capabilities as individuals and as a couple.
good on you toni!
greetings from down under,
ibyang
rach
June 4, 2007 at 8:30 pm (17 years ago)Hi Toni. Naku, I could relate to many of those conversations that you shared. Many of them have been said to me too. When my husband and I got married, we decided not to have a baby yet. We just wanted to enjoy our time together and we felt we weren’t ready yet. I didn’t realize that our decision led to various reactions. We waited for three years before having a baby. Let me share a few reactions that I received …
– “Naku, di maganda mag control. Baka pag time na gusto nyo na, di na ipagkaloob sa inyo ng itaas.”
– “Nakakadalawa na kami, eh kayo wala pa. Bilisan nyo naman.”
– “Nahihirapan ba kayo? Nagpacheck up na kayo?” (I didn’t feel I had to explain to everyone that it was our own choice to have the baby later.)
– “Nung ako nasa age mo, tapos na ako sa panganganak.”
Now that I already have a child, I didn’t realize the comments keep coming …
– “Dagdagan nyo pa ng isa. Ang lungkot pag isa lang.”
– “Di maganda walang kapatid, nagiging spoiled.”
Although, I agree that Yohan would benefit from having a sibling, we’re just not ready for another one.
tin
June 4, 2007 at 10:02 pm (17 years ago)Toni dear, I’ve been there and it’s never easy. Just think na alam ni God when’s the perfect time for you and H to have a baby. When it comes, I know it will be very special!
Hugs from moi.
Tina
June 4, 2007 at 10:19 pm (17 years ago)Sila: Sumayaw ka na ba sa Obando?
Hahahaha panalo to! 😛
If it’s meant to be, it will come. =) And when you are most ready, like you said. Good luck to the two of you, Ate Toni. =)
winn
June 5, 2007 at 12:17 am (17 years ago)Thank you for sharing your feelings about this touchy subject. I just turned 32 and recently engaged. My fiance and I are badgered not only with questions of when are we having children, but also when are we getting married. Most questions/comments that we’ve gotten are along the lines of: “When are you getting married? You NEED to have kids soon!” One of my fiance’s family members actually had the gall to ask me, “Well, you don’t want to be his GIRLFRIEND forever, do you?” This was asked some time before he proposed to me, as if I had control of when he should do so! We’ve also had several couples who tell us to put aside the wedding for now and skip straight to conceiving (having children out of wedlock is more common here in the States). It’s frustrating and upsetting especially when most of the time I’m at a loss of words for tactless comments and nosy questions from supposedly concerned people. I’ve actually come across several studies showing that more and more couples are holding off until their 30s to get married and start a family so I don’t feel totally in the minority and neither should you. Keep your head up!
abby
June 5, 2007 at 12:51 am (17 years ago)aargh, i get that all the time too, especially since most of my cousins younger than i am gave birth recently or are currently expecting their second child, or most friends are at that age na. J doesn’t get spared din, he’s constantly being taunted if he’s shooting blanks daw. the people who ask us are the very same people whose parenting skills are questionable pa. PWEH!
i too, had my bouts of “do i want a child or not thoughts” a year or two ago, pero i’ve long given up on those thoughts, because plain and simple, i’m not ready. should it happen (even though we’re not trying), i’ll welcome it with an open heart. if, for some reason, it’s not meant to happen at all, i’ll deal with in my own terms, in my own time.
until then, i guess i’m gonna have to keep warding off the lot of pakialameros in the world. :}
BatJay, Ang Dating Hippopotamus
June 5, 2007 at 1:31 am (17 years ago)kami ni jet have been asked this question for more than 16 years. i know we’ve talked about this in a long blogkadahan thread before.
nagsasawa na nga ako sa litanya: bakit wala pa kayong anak? ilang taon ka na ba? baog ka ba? may kilala akong doctor na may fertility clinic, baka gusto mo? nagsayaw ka na ba sa ubando? gusto mo bang mag adopt? may diperensya ka ba? sino ang may problema sa inyong dalawa? paltos ata ang mga semilya mo, etc, etc, etc.
it goes on and on and on. mayroon din akong mga reader sa blog ko who asks the same question. but more bastos kasi confident sila sa kanilang anonymity. in fact, i have a post that i haven’t published about this stupid question but i’ve been holding back.
living in singapore and the states has been great for both of us because it starts and ends with one question when we’re with new acquaintances:
new friend: “do you have any kids?”
me: no
end of story.
ang mga pinoy, especially mga kamag-anak and friends, ay mostly pakielamero. they think they have the right to ask because you’re close to them.
Christianne
June 5, 2007 at 1:53 am (17 years ago)Ay, obsessed sa babies ang mga Pinoy. When you do get a kid, ang susunod namang tatanungin, kailan ninyo susundan? Hehe.
“You
cyberpunk
June 5, 2007 at 2:52 am (17 years ago)kainis nga yung ganyan, bakit ba expected sa lahat ng babae na mag-asawa at mag-anak agad …pati personal decisions kinukuwestiyon…buti sana kung sila yung magpapakain/alaga/etc dun sa bata hehe…
anyway, wag mo na lang sila pansinin…tama lang yang mag-anak kung kelan gusto at ready na…enjoy nyo muna to the max yung life nyo saka ang isa’t isa…pag nag-anak naman kasi wala nang bawian yun…magbabago na totally ang priorities…
nakakainis nga yung iba, nag-aanak for all the wrong reasons (pressure, “investment” para me mag-aalaga sa kanila pagtanda nila, to keep their husbands, etc)…
Emer
June 5, 2007 at 3:10 am (17 years ago)Bayaan mo na lang sila, Toni. As long as you’re here in the Philippines, you will always get those questions. Or you can do what I impishly do when I’m fed up with stupid questions — I go for sarcastic replies. *LOL*
Chi
June 5, 2007 at 3:14 am (17 years ago)i kinda experience the same reaction when i decided to have a baby 7 years after i had my eldest. people kept asking me “why the long wait?” and all i could say is.. having a baby is too expensive. i kinda felt the pressure over the years when my daughter kept bugging me for a sister or a brother. and i kept telling her that having a baby isn’t as easy as everybody thinks. one has to consider the consequences.. like financial obligations and responsibilities. our culture believes that having a lot of children means having the typical “happy” family. I have a sister and six brothers and I saw how difficult it was for my parents to raise all of us (my sister and I – being the “ates”, never had the chance to finish college) and I promised myself that if ever i decide to have kids, I wouldn’t want them to endure the same situation my siblings and i grew up with. now, i’m having my second child and i told my husband that this baby would be the last not because i’m tired of being a mother, but because i want to be a better parent by being able to give my two childrent the things they need without sacrificing anything.
Cat
June 5, 2007 at 3:45 am (17 years ago)Well, truth be told, no one in my family wants me to have kids yet simply because all my aunts and uncles will be grandparents! My dad is the eldest child and he’s 44. So if I had a baby now, my dad would be a grandfather at 44 and my youngest uncle would be a grand uncle at 35!
For now, people ask me when I’m getting married and because of the condo, I now have a reason to say that it will be a while pa before I tie the knot with the boyfriend. Siyempre, all our savings will go to the condo’s expenses. But anyway, whenever someone asks me when I’m getting married, my stepmom always says, “hay naku! I dont want to be a grandmother yet” and I always retort, “Getting married doesn’t mean that you should have kids right away!”
Seriously, why do people think that just because you’re married, you should have kids?
kat
June 5, 2007 at 4:12 am (17 years ago)echoing what others have said before me: ganun talaga ang kultura natin. i’m lucky that i only got that questions from my relatives/older filipino folks on a sporadic basis (i.e, when someone is here from the PI, etc.). my mom too kept asking, and even once sent me an article on fertility! but she really wasn’t so bad. and of course, now that we have rockstar baby (after 5 yrs of marriage), the next question some people have asked is when is the next one coming! hahah… so if it’s not one thing, it’s another. i don’t know why fellow filipinos (and i get this mostly from the “older” ones) feel it’s ok to be crass and blunt (i.e., “tumaba ka ano?” o “bakit wala pa kayong anak?”).
but you are right. ignore them, focus on your happiness, focus on you and your marriage, and when the time is right FOR YOU (and not for anyone else), then go for it! (or not!).
tanya
June 5, 2007 at 5:51 am (17 years ago)oh i know what you mean.. it’s like.. having kids once you get married is the main thing about marriage. NOT!
it’s good to enjoy each other first.. and no rushing.
I have family and friends that keep on asking me if I’m pregnant na.. I’m like “NO NO NO NO!” and don’t ask me again. hahaha!
Junnie
June 5, 2007 at 6:30 am (17 years ago)first of all – great entry. it resonates to me and to most of us in this board. but you placed it so succinctly and well organized. pareho kami ni batjay, di ko na lang pinublish since 2002 pa.
ako isa lang ang sagot ko,
“actually tito,tita, lolo, lola, kapitbahayan, kapamilya at kapuso – we decided na ako ang mag buntis, eto ngat 6 months na ang tiyan ko” – sabay pakita ng beer belly ko.
tahimik lahat.
naku after 10 years, wala nang nagtatanong. ako na lang ang nagpriprisinta 😛
JO
June 5, 2007 at 8:53 am (17 years ago)parenthood is a big responsibility… just take all the time that you need. I’m sure that once you are ready, you’ll be a great mom.
tin2
June 5, 2007 at 8:57 am (17 years ago)i gave in to my in-laws awful pressuring efforts last year. sabihan ba naman kasi ako ng mother-in-law ko in front of her relatives na “ewan ko ba sa dalawang ito, di madala sa pressure.” so i cried all the way home and stopped taking my pills… months before my husband and i agreed to start trying and well before me being ready for it. i got pregnant immediately, but it was ectopic (the embryo wasn’t in my uterus)… we had to make the awful decision to terminate the pregnancy, since that was morally allowable and suicide wasn’t. i think it was God telling me “eh kasi naman, I haven’t made you ready yet, so why are you rushing Me? don’t you trust Me?”
so my take on this matter nowadays is this: if God wants you to have a baby already, He’ll make you want it too, He’ll make you ready for it, and He’ll give it to you. so you’re absolutely on the right track.
after losing our baby, the winners (it was a tie) of “the MOST INSENSITIVE comments” were:
“di bale, hindi pa naman baby yun… blood lang.” – hello?! didn’t i just tell you that we gave our baby a name?! so baby yun sa’min. besides, even the hospital lab said it was a “product of conception.” anong blood lang?!
“mare, buti na lang you’re going through all that now. para pag ako na, alam mo na kung anong sasabihin sa’kin.” – hmmn, i don’t remember ever signing up to be anyone’s guinea pig. this person used to call me her best friend. i realized after this comment that she was no friend of mine.
mare
June 5, 2007 at 10:33 am (17 years ago)Excellent entry Toni.
Truth is it’s only yours and H’s business, no one else’s!
Jennie
June 5, 2007 at 1:14 pm (17 years ago)Great post, I really enjoy your writing. I’ll be back! Michele sent me!
mika
June 5, 2007 at 2:23 pm (17 years ago)great post! this sounds passe but i know exactly how you feel!!! i made a similar post/rant a few weeks ago. all that negativity is so draining, and it takes a lot out of you to block it out. it’s such a pinoy thing i think, along with the “o, tumaba ka ah” greeting. weird how such a ‘happy’ country can exude so much negative vibes ;p
Linnor
June 5, 2007 at 2:53 pm (17 years ago)Toni sis… I think people should be more sensitive to how others feel. Not just on having kids… I have also been “traumatized” by tactless comments when I was a child. I remember one mom telling my Ma this: “Zita, bakit ganyan? Ang payat-payat naman ng anak mo! Mahina ba sya kumain?”. I heard that countless of times from different adults and imagine how it affected my self-esteem when all I ever wanted then was to gain weight. Di pa uso ang supermodel figure noon.
If people were only sensitive enough not to say anything hurtful or negative…
smarie
June 5, 2007 at 4:42 pm (17 years ago)Toni, that would drive me bonkers too! As for me, since my son was 2 yrs. old (he’s now turning 5), some people have been asking me when I plan to have another one. Kesyo Habang bata pa raw ako, so my panganay will have a playmate, etc. Parang ganun kadali, ano? hehe…
And i get a lot of tummy rubbing! but there is reason talaga, coz i have a big stomach and people always think i’m preggy. LOL!
Anyways, pasensya na nga lang Toni. Don’t let it get to ya’
missyosigirl
June 5, 2007 at 5:33 pm (17 years ago)ako naman, people always ask kung kelan masusundan si darice. kesyo dapat may kalaro, etc etc. tapos andami pang nagsibuntisan kong kakilala.
true, nakakainggit. as in naiiyak ako sa gabi. pero it was my husband who pulled me back to earth and said, “mahihirapan tayo”.
eh sila ba ang magdadala ng 9 na buwan sa tyan nila? ilang oras na iire sa ospital? at 20 taong magpapaaral at pagkakagastusan? i know it’s bad to think of a child like an expense, pero its true naman eh! having kids talaga is expensive, and kung di kaya ng sweldo namin, san na lang kami pupulutin diba? marami rin akong pangarap na gustong maibigay sa mga anak ko, and baka kung may kapatid pa si darice eh hindi ko na yon maibigay.
i do think that sometimes baka nga kelangan ni darice ng kalaro. pero si darice naman mismo sabi nya sakin enough na daw ako as playmate 😀 o diba?
so toni *hugs* to you and 😛 to those who keep pressuring you. it’s your body, it’s your life, it’s your decision. wala silang paki. hmp. hehe 😛
elapot
June 6, 2007 at 3:46 am (17 years ago)hay naku toni, super super thanks for posting this! at least may pambara (or pangsagot lang naman,ahahah) sa mga makukulit na nagtatanong sa min ng super exact same questions!
3yrs na rin kasi kami e, kaya 3 yrs na rin kaming kinukulet ng kung sinu-sino… ang hirap pa naman di mapressure! hayhay
SexyMom
June 6, 2007 at 9:39 am (17 years ago)having babies, and not having babies for that matter, is a personal decision. me, i have learned to be DEDMA over the years.
ako naman, it’s different, every time i get pregnant, people (PEOPLE means family, like in-laws, friends, boss, neighbor, etc., etc.) would say, NA NAMAN? then i would hear all sorts of remarks, some even nasty remarks, it’s as if i owe them an explanation. what can i do if i am that fertile? what can i do, e may asawa naman ako?
they say all those snide remarks, e, they are not the ones who spend for me, they do not at all contribute to my sustenance. so i have learned not to care about their snide remarks, as in DEDMA.
bakit nga ba wala ka pang baby? (hey, hey, i was just kidding! LOL)
sha
June 6, 2007 at 3:00 pm (17 years ago)sister gave birth few days ago after 10 years of marriage…
lady cess
June 6, 2007 at 9:09 pm (17 years ago)i agree with sexy mom , it’s a personal decision wc people should learn to respect. kaya lang, minsan kasi mga walang masabi ang mga tao, kaya kung anu-ano lumalabas sa bibig.
Pie
June 7, 2007 at 9:02 am (17 years ago)hi toni! i can ssssooo relate! Having a baby is something that we cannot afford to rush. Beyond the economic reasons, we, as a couple, have to be fully ready for it. Having a baby is one thing, being a responsible parent is another. In God’s time, both are perfectly achievable. 😉 Tama ka, for now, enjoy life with our hubbies! God bless us always!
joey
June 7, 2007 at 11:35 pm (17 years ago)I SO know what you are going through! Don’t listen to those people. Enjoy!
“Family of two” — I like that! Just like mine 
When people ask me I tell them we are still “practicing” 😉 Haha!
ree
June 8, 2007 at 4:22 pm (17 years ago)oh, i’ve had that too. it does get tiring. and to think i never really thought about having kids. actually thought i didn’t want to have kids. and now i have one. i guess time changes you. so you’re doing great, shrugging off the pressure to have kids. like marriage, you can never be totally prepared, but don’t rush into it either. it’s life changing.
enjoy each other, you and the hubby!
enid
June 8, 2007 at 4:41 pm (17 years ago)By golly wow! Married for almost 7 years and had people pestering me with that no-child-yet questions. The best and/or worst was when someone said “Ang lungkot naman” when I answered that we don’t have any kids yet. Buti na lang, mabilis din ang retorting machine in my brain, sabi ko naman agad, “ay hindi naman” which brought a smile to my hubby’s face. So, nice one from me actually! Hehehehhe.
Well, I am thankful and happy to be with my husband and having a baby is a “supercallyfragilistic” bonus na lang talaga. So there.
kala
June 10, 2007 at 5:26 pm (17 years ago)Grabe toni – this is the post I’ve been trying to compose for how many months already. I hate it when people just can’t leave you alone! Great post, this summarizes everything that’s in my head!
Lisa
June 11, 2007 at 3:45 am (17 years ago)I married my husband when I was 23, and people always asked me whether I was pregnant like that’s the only possible reason anyone would marry at my age. The worst of the lot were the ones who just freely assumed I was. I got fat, get over it. Hehe.
Everybody’s regularly asking me now whether we’re pregnant or planning to, and making such a fuss about it. Can’t a married couple just want to be married and enjoy each other’s company? I love kids and I’m happy for people who have them, but it’s not for everyone.
Zita
June 11, 2007 at 5:30 pm (17 years ago)Nako regardless ata kung saan parte ka ng mundo you will still get asked the same question! After all that is said and done, it’s your body and you will be raising that child, so it’s up to you to know when you are ready. Tell them to piss off. LOL =)
Everybody is different no. I’m glad I had my son early, at least I won’t be that old when he gets into his 20’s, and that I won’t be as tired as compared to my older contemporaries. I have heaps of friends here that waited until ok na sila sa career nila to have kids, I respect that.
Pana-panahon lang yan Toni.
Lissa
June 14, 2007 at 11:53 pm (17 years ago)Well said Toni and I know we’ve talked about this in the past. I liked what you said that it’s not a game or a race and everyone has their own timeline. Quite honestly I was scared of having kids at first that’s probably why it took us so long to make our decision. You’re the only one who knows what’s best for you and your hubby. And for those who have kids that are pressuring you, siguro naiinggit lang sila kasi they can’t just drop everything and go wherever they want like you guys can.
Toni
June 19, 2007 at 10:25 am (17 years ago)Hi everyone! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I’ve replied to each one of your comments… hopefully I didn’t end up as spam though!
kelly
June 20, 2007 at 5:05 pm (17 years ago)The first time i read this column,i got so touch talaga.i felt that im not the only one in this world suffer
from being childless.i’ve been married for 3yrs. and people keeps on asking me the same question “o,wala pa ba?” as if bigla nalang bubukol ang tiyan mo kung kelan mo gusto di ba?i feel helpless.useless.sometimes i ask god bakit yung iba na ayaw magkababy e nagkakababy why not me?second to the eldest ang husband ko pero kaminalang ang walang anak sa pamilya,everytime na my sister in laws get pregnant i feel that i might disappear especially when they deliver the baby parang ayaw ko ng pumasok ng hospital at tignan manlang yung bata.Feeling ko kasi if looks can kill matagal na kong patay.
For as twho feels helpless,the only person we can count on and understand us is our partner coz we
suffer in the same feeling of being childless,right?now i have to be more patience of waiting until god
hear my prayers and allow me to have a child inmy arms.
rowie
June 21, 2007 at 7:57 pm (17 years ago)Great entry. You go, girl!
A friend of mine had a brilliant way of deflecting questions like that. She’d say, “Oo nga e! Kung anu-anong posisyon na nga ang ginagawa naman, gumigiling-giling na nga ako ako sa harap ng asawa ko …” then she’d start going into graphic detail, threatening to demonstrate … at which point someone would go, “Yuck tama na! Too much information!” And she’d say, “O? E akala ko ba gusto mong malaman?” Hahaha!
(Pero ako hindi ko yun kayang gawin kung may magtanong sa akin, heheh!)
chepot
June 25, 2007 at 1:16 pm (17 years ago)i have wanted to write about this na rin in my blog but found it a bit hard to put into words… now i guess i can just refer to your blog.
this is so true and i have encountered this a lot as well especially during my recent birthday this June. Lahat ng birthday greeting me kasamang “mag-anak ka na!”. Ano ba! Eh ayoko pa nga eh. Most of my friends kasi from high school and my married co-workers have kids already and they are expecting me to have na din kasi I’m married for almost 3 years na… Haay! Sometimes I just want to say baog kasi ako eh para tapos na. I just find it really weird that some people equate happiness in a marriage to having kids, we are really happy now with just the two of us. Anyway, no one can force us to do anything naman na we don’t want to do… yet…
Bluey
July 5, 2007 at 4:12 am (17 years ago)Hi Toni. This reply may come late for this post but I just want to say that I’m glad that there are people like my H and I who don’t have plans to have children just yet. We’ve been married for over two years and people (relatives, friends and even new aquaintances – tha gall!) have been pestering us non-stop about it. The worst of it – for me – came from H’s old highschool schoolmate whom I just met.
He asked me if we had any children, I said no, he asked why then I launched my usual spiel of enjoying our time together as a couple and saving up for a nest egg. He then spends the next four hours (I’m not kidding!) badgering me with reasons why we should have children – including it being the next logical step. When logic failed him, he started insulting us by questioning H’s manliness, potence, and character then proceeded to attack my fertitlity and character.
A lot of people out there seem to equal children with marital bliss. Heck, Personally, I am not sure if my husband and I would be as happy when we have children as we are now. Realistically, it is harder to mantain a happy relationship when you add financial strain, exhaustion, lack of time (between couples) and disagreements on rearing your offspring into the equation.
For now, H & I are enjoying our financial and personal freedom too much to give it up. This may seem selfish to some people, but selfish to whom might I ask? We don’t want to give those benefits up just yet and having a child when you aren’t ready will only lead to resenting (albeit secretly – most people will even deny this) either their children or spouse for it.
It’s extremely annoying for somebody who’s reasoning is like mine but much worse (and infinitely more hurtful) to those who are trying but unable to concieve.
You really hit this nail on the head.
Jen
January 3, 2008 at 3:19 pm (16 years ago)Well, I don’t have people asking me why I don’t have kids yet… but my family (including extended family) is almost always breathing down my neck about getting married and then having kids agad! My tita, whenever she calls my mom, which she does practically twenty million times a day, would ask if I’m getting married na. She also never forgets to say, “Ano ka ba, mag-asawa ka na nang magka-anak ka na. Gusto mo ba ng bobo na anak? Pag 30 or lampas 30 ka na nagka-anak, bobo na yun!” Haysus! *roll eyes*
Hay naku noh, like I’ll ever allow myself to be pressured to get married just to have kids. Ayoko nga. Ano ako, sira? LOL.
Aisha
February 24, 2008 at 4:58 pm (16 years ago)I love your blog! So neat! Yeah, you’re not alone. I’ve been asked that question too many times and I like how you describe or write down what people say in details. Made me laugh!
Mariz
March 17, 2008 at 8:13 pm (16 years ago)I totally agree with everything you said in your blog, I share with your sentiments…but it’s sad that not a lot of people can see things the way we do. I have been married for nine years now, my husband and I are just happy and content with each other, the first five years of our marriage, it was really a choice for us not to have a baby yet, after that we were just waiting and hoping that the baby would come, putting no pressure on each other. If not for the “age” factor, we really won’t even consider consulting a doctor, at the moment, unbelievable as it may sound, ngayon pa lang kami nagpapa-fertility work up, and to be honest we are not so comfortable with it. We’ve always believed in the natural order of things kse that’s why we are struggling with the check-ups, tests and all. Up to now wala pa rin, and abnormal as it may seem to our friends and families, ok lang naman talaga sa amin kung wala pa. Whenever there are people pestering me about the baby issue, I normally would just reply “It’s not naman a baby that would complete a marriage, our marriage is complete in itself, happy kami na kaming dalawa lang, that’s it, if God so blesses us with a child, we will rejoice and be thankful, if not, we will still rejoice and be thankful”. I completely understand that some people asking are just concerned that’s why they ask, some are just plain curious, yung iba makulit lang talaga. Totoo, nakakasawa talaga to answer their questions, kaya minsan, kapag di ko gusto yung tema ng pagtatanong, i simply say “eh sa wala pa eh!”.
Bottom line is what’s important is that you and your hubby are happy with each other and you are enjoying your lives together, people can see that in us definitely, sila na rin ang nagsasabi. I guess, the great thing about our situation is both my husband and I are ok about the “baby issue”, no one is more eager, no one is that passive, tama lang. Kse magka-anak ka nga, miserable naman yung family environment na kalalakihan nya, eh di mas malungkot pa yun, pati mga bata, miserable din. Kids will grow up and will eventually have lives of their own, at the end of it all, it’s still you and your hubby pa rin na magkakasama when you grow old, and with is in mind, let’s just make the most of every moment we share with our hubbies, bahala na yung iba sa iisipin nila (di ko naman sila mapipigilan sa mga iniisip nila eh) or sa kung anong sinasabi nila, basta ang mahalaga…happy and content kami!
It’s a good feeling knowing that there are others who are in the same boat. Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts….
Toni
March 24, 2008 at 9:19 pm (16 years ago)Thank you everyone, for continuing to share your thoughts on this. I really appreciate hearing your thoughts.
Nice to have a little support group here!
witsandnuts
September 29, 2008 at 1:46 am (16 years ago)As I read your post, I can tell who’s genuinely concerned from the nosy ones. (Kaasar yung humahawak pa sa tiyan, huh!) I have friends who were thrown those questions millions times. This has a twin situation eh, “bakit wala ka pang asawa?/ bakit single ka pa?” Mga pakialamero nga naman.
Hugs for you! Stay happy! =)
witsandnutss last blog post..Meet Emma
ghel
September 25, 2009 at 6:12 pm (15 years ago)hay nako bakit nga kaya ganon sila.. sometimes i feel the sME WAY AS toni… nakakairita kc ulit ulit yung question.. tinanong lang kahapon tatanung nanaman.. im just 20 and got married this may 12 2009? i still want to enjoy things just the two of us… siguro gNON lang talaga ang mga tao makukulit… hahhahaa…. happy ako nabasa ko ung mga blogs nyo…. kasi now di na ako masyado napepressure…