This is a cross-post from my other blog, So You’re Getting Married. I figured this would help some readers here at Wifely Steps too. Enjoy! If you have a similar experience, do share your story in the comments section!
My fiance (now husband) and I met with our minister a month before our wedding. Our minister asked, “Have you discussed your expectations?”
“Expectations?,” we both asked.
“It’s important to discuss your expectations from each other. For example, do you expect him to come home early after work? Is a home-cooked dinner something he can expect from you? Things like that,” our minister shared.
We both shrugged. Our minister sighed. The truth is we had not thought about sharing expectations until he brought it up! But it is one of the most important points for discussion with your partner before getting married. Some expectations we eventually did end up discussing were:
1. We would live on our own. In our culture, it is normal for the newlyweds to stay at the bride’s family’s home first. My husband and I wanted to be independent right away, so we hunted for an apartment to rent.
2. We would start building a family right away. Children could be a big part of your marriage, so aligning on family planning would be great. Both of us agreed that we would start trying for a baby right away. But life happens, and we both discovered we weren’t ready yet. We wanted to enjoy our newlywed life first! At least expectations were clear from both of us going in.
3. We would split the bills a particular way. Money is another big part of your marriage. Agreeing on how to manage finances is something you have to discuss. Talking about money could be awkward at first, but you have to do it.
4. We’d visit family once a week. My husband and I have close relationships with each of our own families, so agreeing to visit our parents and siblings once a week was something we both delighted in. We still try to do this as much as we can.
5. We wouldn’t force ideals on each other. His Mom is a fantastic cook, and I’m a crap cook, honestly. He was used to coming home to wonderful dinners and filling meals. I made it clear to him that I would try to learn how to cook, but not to expect anything grand. What happened was that our early newlywed meals were mostly take-out, but that was fine with him. (I’m still trying to learn how to cook.)
Discussing expectations isn’t easy, but it’s best to do so you and your partner are on the same page before getting married. It’ll make for an even healthier relationship, and you may discover more things about each other that you’d have to learn to adjust to. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely worth it.
Photo by slfood02
Hi! I'm Toni Tiu,
and I've been blogging at
at Wifely Steps since 2003. This started as a blog to help newly weds adjust to married life. It has evolved into a home and parenting blog. I write about things close to my heart -- good eats, good reads, family, marriage, and the little things that make everyday happy.
rye
March 21, 2008 at 10:33 pm (16 years ago)Thanks for sharing this, Toni. It’ll really come in handy when the time comes =)
Rach (Heart of Rachel)
March 22, 2008 at 6:54 am (16 years ago)This is very well written Toni. Thanks for sharing your own experiences and translating them into great advices.
Jeany
March 22, 2008 at 10:45 am (16 years ago)Hi Toni. Thanks fro sharing this. Advices from a fellow wifey surely comes in handy. Which remind me..lapit na ng May. ilang months na lang.
odette
March 22, 2008 at 11:41 pm (16 years ago)very useful list you have indeed on a very interesting topic!
to add: my husband and i talked a lot before we got married, well, after 11 years of knowing each other, we covered most if not all topics under the sun. he’s dutch and i’m filipina so discussing expectations from each other is a must for us to avoid some culture clash. i’m glad we have a great communication line, it was easy to compromise on many things, such as:
1. pooling a common fund for the general domestic expenses as well as for common savings fund
2. he will respect my spiritual faith, and i will respect his lack of it, as he promises that he will take time to learn and know more about my belief by going to church with me
3. we will start our family after a year or two, when i have settled and adjusted well to my new home and country
4. he will let me pursue my passions, or work a dayjob and support me to grow professionally
5. major expenses and household plans are to be discussed and mutually agreed upon
6. vacations in our home countries are a must, or as long as budget permits
7. more than anything, it will always be us against the world, and never against each other.
i’m happy with the results of our popcom seminar. husband and i agreed with each other 95% of the time on our questionnaire. so far, so good.
Rachel
March 23, 2008 at 12:43 am (16 years ago)Hi Ate Toni. nice topic especially for newly weds. thanks for sharing. Have a blessed Sunday!
julie
March 23, 2008 at 7:52 pm (16 years ago)Expectations are wonderful ways to let another person know not just what to expect but to also be in the same level with your own expectations. When we lay things out in the open, we tend to not expect too much and not be disappointed too much. Feels boring since it seems there is predictability but then again, we may never know what surprises lurk around the corner.
bea santiago
March 25, 2008 at 11:16 am (16 years ago)thank you for this, toni. very helpful for me and mark