I don’t want to face the fact that our parents are getting old. This weekend, my Mom and I bonded over a little pictorial we did together. Upon seeing one picture of hers that stood out from the rest, she said, “When I die, use that picture, okay?” I was like “Mama! Don’t talk like that!” And then on the same day, my sister J, my Mom and I were in the car when the classical piece Adaggio on Strings played on the stereo. She goes, “You play that in my funeral ha!” I went ballistic and told her “Don’t talk like that nga!”
She goes, “We plan for birthdays, we plan for weddings, why shouldn’t we plan for our funerals?”
I know she’s right but it’s just too morbid for me to deal with. Uggggh. She has a very healthy attitude about moving on in life and it’s admirable. I just can’t imagine my parents being anything other than immortal.
Planning a funeral is something I am not comfortable with. But my Mom is right. We plan for Sunday lunches and picnics, birthdays and baptisms, why not funerals? It would be nice to have some input into one of your final events here on earth. While the logic follows, I feel apprehensive about planning it. I’m not uncomfortable with death. I’m uncomfortable with loss. My hesitation to plan a funeral, anyone’s funeral, stems from that fear. But let’s put our queasiness and our fears aside. Let’s try to do this objectively. Here are some questions that can help us plan our own funerals:
a) Would you prefer to be cremated or buried?
b) Would you like a service? If yes, how long?
c) What music would you like to be played?
d) Any special requests/activities during the service?
e) What clothes would you like to wear?
f) Where would you like your final resting place to be? Ashes scattered, buried in a family mausoleum, etc.?
g) What would you like written on your tombstone or carved on your urn?
(More questions here.)
Have you encountered anyone who has planned his/her own funeral? I find it a bit unusual but not far from impossible.
As for my own funeral, I have some ideas. For example, I’d like my poetry read during the service. If they never get published, at least they get heard by those in my wake. I’d also like those present to share beautiful memories they’ve had with me. That’s how it was done during one of my late granduncle’s services; memories of him were shared and it was so touching; it eased the sadness a little bit. I’d also like positivity to shine through the whole time. Pictures, food (not the usual Zesto and mamon please!), my favorite things like my stuffed toys could be on display. My epitaph? “She lived her truth happily.” Something like that. It’s inspired by a book I’m reading now. Ah, what else? That’s all I can think of, or want to think of, right now.
How do you feel about planning your own funeral? Do you find the idea too morbid or weird? I feel somehow that it’s a good thing to plan as it’ll help take a little stress off your loved ones, and it helps you reflect more on your life. Planning my funeral is not something I’d like to think about now, but I know that I’d have to think about it eventually. Your thoughts?
Hi! I'm Toni Tiu,
and I've been blogging at
at Wifely Steps since 2003. This started as a blog to help newly weds adjust to married life. It has evolved into a home and parenting blog. I write about things close to my heart -- good eats, good reads, family, marriage, and the little things that make everyday happy.
Meeyagirl
March 23, 2007 at 7:16 am (17 years ago)i’ve already told everyone in my family (who would listen) that i prefer to be cremated as soon as i die. i don’t want my dead body displayed for everyone to see such that everybody’s last memory of me would be of me in rigor mortis 😛
they can have a wake, i don’t mind. as long as no one plays tong-its, bingo or sakla!
i don’t think its morbid to plan for our own funeral. as you said, it takes a load off our loved-ones. plus, it would give us some semblance of integrity even in death. i would turn over in my grave if they made me wear my old ruffly prom dress!
Corina Medina
March 23, 2007 at 11:44 am (17 years ago)ako naman, it’s time to be vain na di ba? I want my special blog entries to be printed and posted for all to see. special frames should be used. My epitaph? yung url ng blog ko (=
corina, corinaness@yahoo.com
jun
March 23, 2007 at 1:07 pm (17 years ago)Congrats on your nomination at the Philippine Blog Awards. I sent you email re: Awards Night.
smarie
March 23, 2007 at 3:12 pm (17 years ago)hi toni, i’d like to 1st congratulate you on your nomination at the Philippine Blog Award.
regarding funerals, i think it’s main purpose is to give your loved ones time to deal with your death, and be able to emotionally say goodbye and let go. kaya mga isang buan ang wake ko. LOL! just kidding, 2-3 days is enough. it won’t tire them too much, yet enough time to mourn and say their final goodbyes.
i plan to get a service/funeral plan so my family doesn’t have to worry about it anymore when my time comes. the food and entertainment nalang ang iisipin nila, hehe. i want everyone to wear white! and be happy! they should just tell stories of all the kalokohans i’ve done in my life, so no crying please 😉 and i want happy songs to play, until the time they lower my body in it’s final resting place (in the family plot).
as for my make-up and dress, hehe… basta maayos dapat ang itsura ko, or mumultuhin ko sila…
cheers!
sha
March 23, 2007 at 5:27 pm (17 years ago)toni i was thinking of this few days ago… i want my ashes to be scattered in 3places… the coastline here in Athens.. at the island of Santorini and the rest will be taken and scattered where I was born and spent my childhood years in Cebu.
No wake I rather just have my close friends celebrating my life i want them to toss on champagne and crack stories about me….
and i want them to gather by the sea to scatter my ashes
rach
March 23, 2007 at 6:27 pm (17 years ago)I feel perfectly fine talking about my own funeral but I don’t like it when my loved ones talk about theirs. I just don’t want to think of someone close to me dying so I don’t entertain such thoughts. But if it concerns me, I have no qualms.
Before I told my husband that I don’t want to be embalmed but then I realized it might shorten my wake and I’d be sad if some people weren’t able to visit me. So I changed my mind. I also told him I wanted to be cremated then I’d want my ashes to be placed in a nice locket to be given away to very close family and friends. Imagine his reaction… he said what if those people didn’t like the idea of wearing the ashes of a dead person. It might be a burden rather than a gift. I realized the truth in it. Oo nga naman. ha!ha! The weird things that I think of sometimes.
My husband’s grandfather who is a renowed pediatrician (still living) has everything arranged when he dies. He is around 80 or so and still strong but he wanted everything settled before he dies. He even has a granite tombstone prepared already. The only thing missing on it is the date of death. He also plans to set aside some of his money for a foundation in his name when he dies.
Junnie
March 23, 2007 at 9:40 pm (17 years ago)it was weird to have discussed this with our agent a few years back. i even chose the casket, the material, the color and the price. i even know where i will be buried as we were able to visit the lot. what i am really preparing for is that when the day comes, I have been ready for some time and the pearly gates of heaven will want to hear my stories about friends i’ve found on the web and how Memento was able to show the beauty of the world and the life that I lived happily.
epitaph? Died smiling.
pinayhekmi
March 23, 2007 at 10:01 pm (17 years ago)I want to be cremated and I don’t want my service somber. I want my ashes scattered in the ocean in hopes of it travelling across the seas! Beyond that I don’t know.
Leah
March 23, 2007 at 11:22 pm (17 years ago)When I was in high school, I sang (as a choir member) during weddings and funerals. I remembered crying one time after one funeral, thinking of how my own funeral would be. I imagined myself laying there and heard what people have to say. It will be interesting to hear what they have to say.
It is definitely a topic worth thinking and planning for. Talking about it , most of the time creates a feeling of uneasiness and kawirduhan.
I keep changing my mind on what to do..what to do..
I know for sure I’d donate all my good organs , ones that can still be of benefit to others. I would probably like a wake. Maybe 2 nights tops the most and still thinking if I should then be cremated later. If its cremated, my ashes will be buried and some saved to be scattered wherever they want.
Lissa
March 24, 2007 at 12:47 am (17 years ago)Having old parents make me think about that. I just get annoyed sometimes cause when my mom talks about it, she sounds so negative about it: Like.. “eh mamamatay naman ako eh.” It’s like she doesn’t care anymore. She definitely doesn’t sound like your mom where it seems like she’s accepted that it’s part of life. I know I should talk to my parents about their plans when they pass since I’m the firstborn. I can’t imagine my sister handling it alone or even by herself.
As for me, I haven’t done any planning whatsoever although I have thought about death in general–how it feels and stuff. I guess I’m just not ready yet.
hazel
March 24, 2007 at 5:05 am (17 years ago)actually… one of my favorite class in college was my philosophy class in 2nd year… our prof had us make a “death plan” … it was actually a death plan together with what you want or imagine your life to be until you die.
it was fun
had to look for coffins and such… where do they put my ashes after cremation… etc. it’s fun looking back at it now. coz there i said i’d get married just about now! hahah
it was a great journey/exercise… we all enjoyed that. we even made letters to everyone that they can read when they die… unfortunately that time i didn’t know hubby yet…so… i better make one again! hehehe
Leo
March 24, 2007 at 7:42 am (17 years ago)It is not enough that we tell our love ones what we went them to do with our bodies once we depart for the afterlife. We should also indicate whether want the supportive measures that can prolonged the dying process. This is important especially for those who are living in developed nations with universal health care.
As for me, death itself is inevitable and we will all die successfully. It is the thought of going alone on a one way trip to somewhere and being permanently separated from our love ones that is very hard to swallow.
Daphne
March 24, 2007 at 3:49 pm (17 years ago)With my parents getting on with age, a few years ago I took the initiative to scout around for burial plots and invested in a good burial plan for them.
It is something we all hate and dread to think about but it is bound to happen sooner than later and we need to prepare ourselves for that eventuality.
ree
March 24, 2007 at 6:12 pm (17 years ago)hey toni.
i’ve always thought of my mom as superwoman too. it was a real wakeup call when she had a series of heart attacks a few years ago. really scary.
I remember one time she was so excited to share some news with me–she had purchased a funeral plan. i thought it was morbidly funny at that time. now, i realize that it IS a good idea to talk about these things, and we have, sort of. she’s told me the kind of music she’d like played, where to scatter her ashes, things like that.
it still isn’t easy thinking about death. but i have no fears about it. i know where me and mine are ending up
justice
March 25, 2007 at 10:24 am (17 years ago)Toni, I know how dreadful that feeling can be but being prepared for it is not bad either…
My mom had her wishes and we granted them all to the best that we can. The pictures during the wake, the flowers, and most specially the MOOD….she asked us a favor to NOT make a sad gathering of family and friends when she is remembered.
Lani
March 25, 2007 at 3:08 pm (17 years ago)Before my father died, it’s really hard for me to talk/plan about funeral/burial. But after that, medyo naging open-minded na kami. I already told my hubby what to do when I die. Kaya lang di siya agree sa iba. The truth is I have an organ donor card and I want my whole body to be donated to a worthy cause. But he doesn’t agree. Siguro nga medyo kakaiba iyon kaya ayaw nilang gawin. So, siempre dahil kahit naman anong gawin ko ay wala akong magagawa kung patay na ako, doon na lang ako sa nakaugalian na.
2-3 days lang ang burol and ilibing na agad. I chose na the songs and picture na gagamitin, gusto ko iyong masasayang kanta. I want everybody to celebrate, ayaw ko na malungkot.
jennie
March 25, 2007 at 3:15 pm (17 years ago)congrats on the nomination, toni
a couple of weeks before my mom passed away she called me to her room and told me what she wanted done at her funeral. i thought it was morbid and i didn’t want to listen, but she was adamant and made me listen. and i’m glad i did. she really planned ahead and i think she did it because she didn’t want to add to the grief we were feeling. on her interment plan, there was a “what i want for my funeral” page. it details the requests of the plan holders, from what to wear to what song to play, sort of like a will. it may sound morbid, but it’s good to plan ahead.
God bless!
tutubi
March 25, 2007 at 4:19 pm (17 years ago)it’s a fact of life so plan for it no matter how morbid
Toni
March 28, 2007 at 8:51 am (17 years ago)Thanks to everyone. Your various responses are inspiring. I’m still not comfortable with the idea of planning a funeral, but I know I’ll get around to doing it soon. The stories you shared are encouraging. For now, I’ll keep on enjoying life to the max!
sexy mom
March 28, 2007 at 11:39 am (17 years ago)i agree, if we can plan on birthdays, anniversarys, etc., why not plan for another milestone–the final milestone, our death. it may not yet be very acceptable now, considering our culture, but in time, i guess it will be possible. Btw, i have written something about that in my post, Sexy Mom-Bared. Read it if you have time, and you will end up laughing and laughing. http://dine.racoma.com.ph/family/sexy-mom-bared/
Yang
March 12, 2019 at 11:32 am (5 years ago)My grandma has everything already planned out since, according to her, when she was around 50 years old. I really want her to live longer, but it seems like her body can’t handle it anymore.