i carry you in my heart


I cannot begin to define the love I have for my parents. I will give it a try.

My parents are not perfect. They don’t have a perfect marriage, perfect careers, perfect personalities but to me their differences compliment each other, they have made the best career choices for themselves — growing within their careers without losing their sense of self, and even if they have their occasional spats (hey, every married couple has those), I believe they truly love and respect each other.

I’m not the best daughter in the world. I’ve hurt them even without my knowing. I’ve given them one too many heartaches I suppose. But the years have strengthened my understanding of their marriage and the years have deepened the relationship I share with them.

I was 11 when I first called my Mom as my best friend. Sure their were dips every now and then in our relationship as I grew up but through it all she remained to be one of my best friends. My classmates would come over to our house and notice the way my Mom and I would converse. They said they felt I was talking to a kabarkada (peer). When I was still single, I remember coming home from work and seeing her at the kitchen table. We’d share stories while I ate my late night meal and she would wrap her freshly-made candles. I miss those moments. Now, we talk over the phone because I live hours away from them. When I visit, we share stories over a meal and hot tea. While we started talking way back when I was 11, the conversations haven’t stopped. I hope they never do.

Daddy has always been a quiet guy. When I was a kid, I was really frustrated with his quiet ways. I wanted him talk to me the way Mama did. I wanted to be a Daddy’s girl. But he didn’t, and I wasn’t. I resented his silence. But as I grew up, I understood how his quiet ways made him the great guy he is. He was indeed a man of few words, but those few words had tremendous impact on me. The older I got the more I understood his need for silence as I had started discovering my quiet side too. I felt I was becoming more and more like him. I remember sharing quiet meals with him; moments when the rest of the family were doing their own things and my Dad and I unexpectedly thrown together at the table. I would only hear the clinking of silver on plates and the pouring of water into glasses. We’d eat in silence. Then he’d get up, pat me on the head and say, “I love you, Toni.” I’d say I loved him too. We still do that now. I hope it never stops.

I wish I could be the best daughter to them. God, I wish I could give them a million grandchildren. Okay, maybe three or four. In my heart I feel that would be the most perfect way to thank them. There’s no logic in that, just a lot of heart and it makes sense only to me (and my husband, thank goodness!). But grandchildren will happen in time and with God’s grace. For now, I continue to live my life with the values they raised me with. I continue to carry in my heart all the words — spoken and unspoken — they have shared with me.

Yes, I am my mother’s daughter. I am my father’s child. But I believe that I am, that we are, more than just that. I carry their hearts in mine always.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in (92)

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart

– e.e. cummings

0 comment on i carry you in my heart

  1. paz
    October 6, 2005 at 8:25 pm (17 years ago)

    hi toni! welcome back! we miss your heartwarming entries!

    and this is definitely a beautiful tribute for your parents!

  2. Via
    October 6, 2005 at 9:54 pm (17 years ago)

    Hey welcome back! :) Are you being pressured to have kids already? :(

  3. Linnor
    October 6, 2005 at 9:59 pm (17 years ago)

    This piece is oozing with so much love… I hope you keep writing. 😀

  4. meeyagirl
    October 6, 2005 at 10:56 pm (17 years ago)

    in trying to define the kind of love you have for your parents, i think you instead defined for us the kind of daughter you are – someone who is greatly loved and loves greatly. i just know that your (future) children will have beautiful words for you, too. welcome back, toni! :)

  5. BabyPink
    October 6, 2005 at 11:22 pm (17 years ago)

    welcome back, toni girl!:)

    ang ganda naman nito. so sweet.:) i can relate. my mom has always been my best friend in the world and i’ve shared many a silent meal with my dad.:)

    you’ll be a great mom in the future, i’m sure.:)

  6. pinayhekmi
    October 6, 2005 at 11:29 pm (17 years ago)

    hi Toni, that was a wonderful tribute. I hope you can give them all that you hope for.

  7. jeanny
    October 7, 2005 at 8:53 am (17 years ago)

    Hi Toni. Welcome back 😀

    While reading this, I suddenly felt that I’m missing my parents so much, though their house are few steps away from ours. I miss being the daughter that I am to them. Thanks for sharing this and made me realized that Im not only a wife who cooks and take care the house, Im still a daughter to my parents whom I should spent some time with 😀

  8. annabanana
    October 7, 2005 at 12:40 pm (17 years ago)

    this is a wonderful tribute. i also consider my mama my bestfriend and i am a papa’s girl, too! haaay, i join you in praying for all the things that you hope for. keep the faith…have a good weekend! hugs!

  9. Tin
    October 7, 2005 at 12:56 pm (17 years ago)

    There’s so much love in this post, Toni. I hope your parents get to read this.

    Take care.

  10. jey
    October 7, 2005 at 3:21 pm (17 years ago)

    welcome back, toni!

    and you did come back with a bang because this post brought tears to my eyes.

    and i’m looking forward to coming home to my mama later tonight.

    happy weekend!

  11. denden
    October 7, 2005 at 4:38 pm (17 years ago)

    hi toni! such a sweet and loving post from a sweet and loving daughter :)

  12. Daphne
    October 8, 2005 at 2:25 am (17 years ago)

    Great tribute to your parents. Your nurturing ways is a nice testament that they did a great job in raising you right :) Hope you are well and enjoy your sabbatical!

  13. Junnie
    October 8, 2005 at 10:30 pm (17 years ago)

    its a lifetime of following one of the ten commandments – Honoring your Father and Mother

    am sure your parents are proud of how you’ve turned out to be. the rest are just going to be icing on the cake. the cake is you. and what a sweet one at that.

  14. justice
    October 9, 2005 at 6:14 am (17 years ago)

    This IS so touching, Toni! I wish I knew your parents home number and tell them to check out this beautiful entry for them.

    Your wish will come true…malapit na!

  15. Sidney
    October 9, 2005 at 7:16 pm (17 years ago)

    Welcome back! Those are sweet words! Nice post!

  16. jojo
    October 10, 2005 at 1:10 pm (17 years ago)

    such a lovely way to come back. you haven’t lost your writing touch sis! welcome back!!!

  17. Pie
    October 10, 2005 at 3:15 pm (17 years ago)

    thank you for this very touching post toni! welcome back. :)

  18. delish
    October 10, 2005 at 3:40 pm (17 years ago)

    and i believe that the love they inspired in you will result in greatness sis… something that may not be heard all over the world… but greatness still :)

  19. dexie
    October 10, 2005 at 9:27 pm (17 years ago)

    Welcome Back Toni and what a lovely entry to start with. *sniff sniff*.

  20. G.
    October 11, 2005 at 3:22 am (17 years ago)

    just by writing that, it makes you the best daughter anyone can ask for.

  21. Dr E
    October 11, 2005 at 11:00 am (17 years ago)

    Kiss, hug, talk, walk with them while they’re still with you. Great post, Toni. Welcome back! :)

  22. thess
    October 14, 2005 at 7:24 pm (17 years ago)

    Beautiful tribute, Toni.

    … welcome back and wishing you a fine weekend.

  23. sha
    October 15, 2005 at 9:33 pm (17 years ago)

    toni… this is so beautiful
    full of love………
    am still here in france


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