Mondays are the hardest

by

Yesterday morning's clouds. Got a little freaked out by it. Give me my giant cotton candy cumulus clouds please.

It’s been two months since I returned to full-time work. There are times when it’s easy to get out of bed, say goodbye to my sleeping boy and be one with the morning rush. There are times when it’s immensely difficult, when I’m already at my desk and I just want to burst into tears. Mondays are the hardest.

A lot of my friends and former colleagues who are aware of my journey from WAHM to full-time corporate Mom have been asking me how I’m finding the transition. My answers have ranged from “Really good!” to “Really difficult!” I guess it depends on what day you’re asking me. Or what time of the day.

I will be honest and tell you this — it’s more difficult than I thought it would be, but the difficulty just pushes me to work even harder.

There are a number of things I am already missing given that I’m working full-time. Accompanying my son to school. Singing him to sleep, as I’ve been coming home later and later each week. Fudge, I might even miss enrolment and delegate the task to someone else. These are the things that break my heart.

But I have it easy.

I am thankful that I get to spend two full days with my son before the dreaded Monday. I am thankful that he jumps into my arms when I come home late at night and he’s still awake. I am thankful that we’re able to save more for his future. I am thankful that he’s surrounded everyday by overflowing love from family. I am thankful he is happy and safe, and healthy and loved.

I am thankful I see him everyday, but I aim for him to see more of me.

I am thankful he is exploring school now, but I wish to be more involved.

It’s not easy, but there’s always a way for what you want to happen.

My heart breaks every Monday morning, but my heart grows stronger as I resolve to be a better parent everyday. IT’s tough to do that when you’re away for most of the day. I don’t have the answers. I don’t have the solutions. What I have is the support of my husband and family, the love and belief my son has in me. This is my fuel.

*****

Timmy was spinning around last night in the bedroom. He spun faster and faster, pausing once in a while to catch his step, stumble a bit, but then regain his balance and spin again.

With each spin he became braver, pushing his arms out wider, wider, wider, until he was spinning faster, faster, in much bigger circles than when he first started.

He giggled as he lost his balance, and in his dizzy state found his way to me before stumbling into my arms, laughing his heart out.

He could have chosen the bed to fall into. He could have chosen to just lay on the floor and sort his whirling world out. But he spun and spun until he found me, and when he did, zoomed into my arms to be caught.

“Mamamee,” he giggled as he looked up at me with a slight dizziness, but with joy full throttle.

“I’m here, little boy,” I giggled back, scooping him up in my arms and giving him a big hug and a kiss.

*****

Little does he know that when I spin, spin, spin during a work day, it is he who I remember to regain focus. It is he who catches me, when dizziness begins to claim my mind. It is my son who scoops me up and pacifies me, assuring me things will be alright.

The road back to full-time work is difficult but not impossible to tread. You just need that spark of focus to keep you going, going, going. Especially on Mondays. Mondays are the hardest.

Have you experienced going from full-time Mom to part-time or full-time working Mom? Share your struggles and triumphs. Let’s support and learn from each other!

21 Comments on Mondays are the hardest

  1. Martine | WAHM. Wife. Blogging Belle.
    April 22, 2013 at 5:36 pm (9 years ago)

    Awww, man, Toni! You made me cry again. I salute you for all you’re doing right now, and for being such a strong mommy. Mondays are especially hard, and I remember when I had to go back to work the first time after maternity leave — aray. I hope that if ever life leads me back to work at the office (or when that day comes that Vito goes to big school on his own!) that my heart will get strong with each momentary “goodbye.” Sigh.
    Martine | WAHM. Wife. Blogging Belle.´s last blog post ..Colors in Bonifacio High Street {Photo study}

    Reply
    • Toni
      April 23, 2013 at 7:24 am (9 years ago)

      Martine: You’re strong! But we all have our weak moments and for as long as we acknowledge them and learn from them, then nothing is too hard to overcome.

      Reply
  2. Lissa
    April 22, 2013 at 11:41 pm (9 years ago)

    I’m sure you know that I never really stopped being a full time worker since I had both my kids, except for the time I was on maternity leave. It’s always hard but at the same time, it makes me cherish the quality time I spend with them when I am home. I’m also fortunate enough that I get to work from home twice a week so I can drop my son off to school, pick him up and take both of them to the park on nice, sunny days. We just take what we can get. I think you’re doing a great job and I hope you don’t feel bad about going back to work. We do what we must, be it working full time, part time or staying at home. No matter what, your son will always love you.

    Reply
    • Toni
      April 23, 2013 at 7:23 am (9 years ago)

      Lissa: Thank you for that encouragement. I don’t feel bad going back to work; not at all. But while there’s no resentment, there still is a desire to be more involved in Timmy’s everyday. It’s that gap that I’m still learning to balance, but hey, it’s only been 2 months. I’ll get the hang of it sometime. You’re lucky you can work from home twice a week. I wish I had that luxury. But you’re right, we take what we can get and make the best out of it. Thanks for the assurance!

      Reply
  3. sheng
    April 23, 2013 at 8:35 am (9 years ago)

    For me though, MOndays and all days are the hardest especially for a working MOM away from the kids. I’m glad you’re walking through it. Missing your posts.

    Reply
    • Toni
      May 8, 2013 at 9:24 am (9 years ago)

      sheng: I wish I could blog more often. Work has pretty much taken over my days and the free time I get is dedicated to reading, sleep and the toddler!

      Reply
  4. cheekeegirl
    April 23, 2013 at 5:12 pm (9 years ago)

    I am with you on this. I am also a full-time working mom. I know how you feel. I miss my kids when I’m at work but knowing that I made this for them, it makes me stronger and inspires me to work more. Always my support
    cheekeegirl´s last blog post ..My Favorite Things

    Reply
    • Toni
      May 8, 2013 at 9:23 am (9 years ago)

      cheekeegirl: It’s good to know I’m not alone; thanks for empathizing!

      Reply
  5. janakidiary
    April 26, 2013 at 4:37 pm (9 years ago)

    Hi, i’m a new visitor here. I’ve been working for 15 straight years but, alas, I still get those Monday blues. I guess it’s just more prominent now that I have 2 kids to leave behind everytime I’m off to work. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. A little prayer and positive outlook helps to get through any day :)

    Reply
    • Toni
      May 8, 2013 at 9:22 am (9 years ago)

      janakidiary: Thank you for reminding me about the 2 P’s: Positivity and Prayer! :)

      Reply
  6. Sha
    April 27, 2013 at 9:01 pm (9 years ago)

    I feel you, Toni. We’re on the same boat, ang hirap talaga maging working Mom. Kahit ayaw mong malayo sa anak natin, we don’t have any choice because we need to earn and save for their future. I feel sad too every time I leave the house with a sleeping boy, ang tanong ko nga parati sa sarili ko “What’s worst than leaving a sleeping baby at home?”. But then again it’s our duty to secure their future, so yun nalang iniisip ko. Although most of the time I really wish to be with him every seconds of his life. Hay. The travails of being a working mom.
    Sha´s last blog post ..Another Year Gone By

    Reply
    • Toni
      May 8, 2013 at 9:22 am (9 years ago)

      Sha: Of course I remember you, birthday girl! :) Thanks for visiting and leaving your thoughts. I love learning from other folks, especially through the stories they share. Hope to see you here again!

      Reply
  7. Sha
    April 27, 2013 at 9:03 pm (9 years ago)

    Oh by the way, this is Sha (the birthday girl!) that little girl that you met at the Blog Inspired workshop! Hehe When I read your post, I get stuck into it! Your words are very powerful! I wish I had those writing skills too! I’m terrible at it! :)
    Sha´s last blog post ..Another Year Gone By

    Reply
  8. Mars
    April 30, 2013 at 3:49 pm (9 years ago)

    Aww. This is very true Toni! I am a full time working mom, too. Never been a WAHM (hoping I would be in the future) but there’s never a day at work that I don’t wish I am at home with my daughter, or she’s at the office with me. Whenever I feel sad or pressured at work, I always look at my daughter’s photo on my desk and think of happy thoughts with her, on how she will welcome me later when I come home. It’s hard, really hard. There are happy days, too. But won’t be as happy when you are with your kid. Good luck to your new life. God bless you! Cheers!

    Mars (BlogInspired attendee too like Sha)
    Mars´s last blog post ..Enjoying A Lovely Sunday Afternoon

    Reply
    • Toni
      May 8, 2013 at 9:21 am (9 years ago)

      Mars: Thank you for the happy thoughts and the encouraging words! Like you, I have a photo of my son on my work desk. It’s my fuel for focus!

      Reply
  9. Bunny
    April 30, 2013 at 5:44 pm (9 years ago)

    Ano ba, naiyak ako. Hahaha!

    I’ve never been a WAHM (but on most days, I want to be) but I can so relate. I remember the first week I went back to work after my maternity leave, I kept taking bathroom breaks to cry because I missed my son and I would tell my friends that I wished I was a kangaroo so I can carry Joaquin in my pouch while going about my day. Sigh.

    Reply
    • Toni
      May 8, 2013 at 9:19 am (9 years ago)

      Bunny: Kangaroo!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could bring my son to work w/ my everyday too, up to now. I miss him a lot. I cherish the times I can go home with the sun still out. More time to spend with the boy.

      Reply
  10. Pao
    May 17, 2013 at 1:03 am (9 years ago)

    Hi Toni! It’s been a while since I last read your blogs. And I can so relate with your story. I envy you because you get to see Timmy everyday, I only get to see my son during weekends. And after that 2-day bonding moment, I feel like crying.. I don’t know if anyone in the office can understand what I’m feeling. I sometimes think that I still have post partum. Thanks for your story, made me realize I’m not alone.

    Reply
    • Toni
      May 17, 2013 at 1:03 pm (9 years ago)

      Pao: Nice to have you back! Seeing your son during weekends only must be very difficult. It takes a strong woman for that, and you definitely are strong to be able to do that. I hope that you’ll be able to spend more time with your son the way you want to, Pao. And yes, you’re not alone. *hugs*

      Reply

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